Ask Dr. J
Over the years, Dr. J has been requested to provide advice to high school, college students, professional associations, churches, civic groups etc. Many of these people have stayed in close contact and continue to seek the advice of Dr. J. If you have a question and seek the advice of Dr. J., please complete the information below. He has been very efficient in providing a response within 36 hours of receiving the message. Dr J. will not attempt to answer questions or give perspectives in areas that are beyond his scope of knowledge, education, etc.
Dr. J.
Recently I have been selected to serve as the Chief Administrator for my department in a very large corporation in Houston, TX While I am very excited by what the future holds for my career, over the recent holiday, I had some time to reflect on my marriage, which has taken some major blows over the last five years. My career has blossomed and I have been promoted three times in the last six years, which has meant that I work longer hours and travel extensively. My husband simply does not understand and he gets very angry because I make twice as much as he does. I am really stuck on what to do. I love my husband very much, but I also have worked very hard prior to meeting him to get to where I am in my career. Please shed any light you may have on this for me.
Teri,
Houston, TX
Teri,
The dilemma you face is not a new one, especially for many African American couples/marriages. Unfortunately we live in a society that has accepted the perception that men suppose to be the ones who make more than the woman. Once upon a time this was something that was totally acceptable, now it is slowly becoming less than the norm. As an African American Woman, you should be commended for being steadfast in accelerating your career through hard work, pride and dedication. This is equally important as an African American woman because all too often you typically have three strikes against you: (1) simply being a woman in American society; (2) often blatant sexism that exist in most workplace; and (3) the fight for power that, on many occasions, that ensues between the African American Male and The African American Woman.
I would suggest that you not feel bad about your success. I would however suggest that if you have a desire to salvage your marriage with your husband that you spend some quality time first talking with him about the balance you are maintaining with your marriage and your career. There has to be a way that you and your husband can come to an agreement on this. If the two of you want your marriage, I recommend marriage counseling.
Dr. J.
I have sat back for the last year and watched, with much distain, how the media has all but “nailed” Michael Vick to the cross for his alleged involvement in animal (dog) cruelty. I was very sad to see him go through the pains of harsh public opinion. Now I am VERY angry that he has sent to jail this alleged “crime.” I cannot understand how a Black Man can go to jail for injuring a dog and yet you can brutally kill deer, birds, engage in cock-fighting, etc and we accept it as the norm. What a major injustice to this young talented brother. When does it stop?
Alex,
Tempe, AZ
Wow! This is a tough one. I have some very definite opinions about this case, but will reserve, most of tem as I attempt to give you my best thinking on your inquiry. The Michael Vick case at least two main components: (1) “animal cruelty” and (2) equity in pentalty. On the one hand in no way do I support animal cruelty of any sort, as I strongly believe that animals are a part of God’s creation and serve a purpose for man and in no way should be exploited by any one (this includes deer hunting, cock-fighting, etc.). On the other hand, I find it hard to believe that there is a federal investigation on this case when African Americans (especially Black Men) have faced physical, emotional, psychological, sociological cruelty sense come to the shores of America. It is not only perplexing, but very sad that we will send a Black Man to jail for animal cruelty (their term not mine), yet we had witnessed other forms of animal cruelty throughout the history of America.
To your question, when will it stop? I am a very optimistic, yet I honestly do not believe that the injustices towards African Americans and other underrepresented groups will stop in our life time. It is ingrained in the American fabric. I will say that we must keep fighting for equity and parity in the judicial system.
Dr. J.
I am a 32 year old White man who grew up in an all Black neighborhood and went to school with an all Black student body over 80% in Memphis, TN. I recently got in to an argument with a very good friend of mine who happens to be Black. I have known him for over 25 yrs. We are no longer on speaking terms because I greeted him with “What’s up my nigga?” He asked me to never greet him like that because “nigga” is reserved for authentic Black people. I took offense to this because we grew up together and really felt that he would know that I was not using it the way it had been historically defined. I am not sure why he is so upset. He knows me. Dr. J. I just need your advice.
Sean,
Memphis, TN
Sean,
The use of the “N” word simply is not acceptable for any group of people. While I have heard almost every argument there is to be held on this subject, it is simply an unacceptable term no matter who is using it. As a White Man, whether you grew up with 100% Black Student population or 1%, you will never be able to fully grasp the depths of emotions that African Americans have face and continue to face. This harsh reality does not in any way make you less sensitive, it just deals with the reality. When you leave the confines of your comfort levels with your African American friends, you have the opportunity to walk in to a majority crowd, and on many instances not be judged because of your skin color. Your African American friend(s) do not have that luxury. Many people will try to “sugar coat” this reality, but until we deal with it head on, we will dance around the topic and it will never be fully addressed.
If I were you, I would call your friend and have a meaningful talk with him and the both of you can fully explore the topic in way that demonstrates mutual respect.
Dr. J.
I teach undergraduate leadership courses at a small liberal arts college in Massachusetts. I have read some of your research articles and have followed your leadership style over the last ten years or so. I must say I am quite impressed with the way you have led with dignity and pride through many challenges you faced. Please help me differentiate between leadership and management.
Karen,
Boston, MA
Karen,
Thanks you for your warm comments. Quite frankly, it is nice to know that someone has actually read my research. I have been very intentional in developing leadership constructs that will assist people, in better understanding their leadership styles. I am pleased that this has helped you in some small way. Leading in the best of times is a difficult task. Leading when one is challenged can be a daunting task if you are not balanced and grounded in the history of what it means to “Lead.” Differentiating between management and leadership is quite simple. Management is maintaining and implementing the polices, procedures of an organization, while leadership is setting the status quo and providing the vision for the organization. Thus where there is no vision the is nothing to manage. First let me say that we need both managers and leaders. Organizations simply cannot function in the absence of the other. They are interdependent.
Dr. J. |
